Welcome To My Written Life...

So I decided not to do California Allstars because there’s just no way I was going to fundraise enough money for the season. It’s just way too expensive to pay for it all on my own, and it would have been too stressful dealing with the financial end of it, so it wouldn’t be worth it.

I decided that I would just do diving at Las Positas instead.

BUUUUUUT! One of the coaches from California Spirit Elite in Dublin commented on my status last night telling me I should do their college team. It’s a whole lot less expensive and less of a time commitment than Cali. Their tryouts are this weekend and I’m so excited!

They’re definitely no California Allstars, but at least I get to cheer again. I can’t wait to meet new people and be on their team. :)

Performing and competing is honestly my favorite thing to do. It gets my mind off of everything for those few minutes that I’m in front of the crowd. I would do anything to do it all again. ♥

Okay, so I am catholic, and it’s what I want to be. I don’t want to be any other religion, or lack a religion. I am catholic and I’m happy that way. However, although I’m catholic, I don’t go to church often. I feel like I can have my faith without attenting church every Sunday. I don’t mind church, in fact it’s often refreshing when I do go. But to be honest, my parents are just so random about it. They randomly say (about once a year…) that “we’re going to church in the morning!” Which kinda irritates me. Why are we going to go to church once a year like that. What is the point? Why not go more often if we are gonna go. That one time a year, they force it upon us, and it’s always at a time that doesn’t really work with the rest of my family. So they force church upon us once a year or so? I just don’t understand that. I don’t think I would mind church as much if I went weekly, and was used to it and could keep up with the homily. But once a year just irritates me because we go in there all random not knowing what they’ve been talking about in the homily. I don’t know. I would rather go every week with my family than just once a year.

Here I go…off to church. -___-

Byee.

Fuck this bullshit!
Honestly I’m the girl that people always see happy, smiling, laughing, and having a good time. But it’s SO HARD to be that girl anymore. I can’t take it anymore. I’m just so done with this bullshit. I don’t know why my parents hate me so badly. I just don’t know what to do. It’s fucking not okay. I’M not okay.

I’ve been staying at Brandon’s house lately even when he isn’t there. I just hang out with his family.

And then I come “home” to my parents bitching and yelling at me about every damn thing I do.

I’m sick and tired of it and I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be good enough for them. I stay at Brandon’s for a reason. I’m tired of the negativity and rudeness to me at home. I feel broken here, and I just want to go back to my other family - Brandon’s family. They’re so much happier and I truly feel loved there. The way a family should be.

Now that I’m “home” and gotten my daily bitching from my parents I guess I’ll just hide in my room as usual until I leave for school in the morning. :(

I honestly don’t feel like I have any friends anymore. I have some friends at school that I talk to at break and in class but not really anyone I hang out with outside of school.

Even my “best friend”.
She’s always with her cousins and she never wants to hangout.

It’s okay though I guess. Not like I need any girl time or anything.

I have Brandon…

Lately I’ve been doing my best to do what is good for me. Not for my family, not for my friends, and not for my boyfriend. I’m trying to focus on myself. Maybe you call it selfish, or maybe you understand. But it’s something I just need to do. I’ve grown up being the girl that obeys all her parents’ rules. I don’t go out and party, I’ve never done drugs or smoked a cigarette, and hell…I’ve never even had alcohol. No, it doesn’t interest me. But I grew up unassociated with those things because my parents raised me that way. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t want anything to do with that kind of lifestyle because it just isn’t me. And I’m definitely not just gonna go out and rebel against my parents’ rules and beliefs.

However, lately I’ve realized more and more that the way I’m living isn’t healthy. Yes, it’s a whole lot better than many people in the world. At least I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. I’m beyond grateful for all of it. But what I’m talking about is my family’s lifestyle.

We’ll start with my mom. She has a really bad temper, it’s a bit rediculous. She takes things way too seriously and eventually leads into taking things out of proportion. I’ll ask her a simple question, and she will start yelling at me. She’ll say I have a bad attitude and get increasingly angry with me. It honestly leaves me feeling like complete shit. She doesn’t only yell at me for anything I ask, but she cusses at me nonstop. In front of my youngest brother as well. Honestly, that is such a bad example. She gets angry at us every time we slip a cuss word, but we get it from her. She’s always doing it and it’s getting to be really annoying. It irritates me… No mother should ever speak like that to her family. She is just always rude all the time. She does it out of the blue. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to her about anything because she gets so offensive about everything, or she will be completely negative. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I’m at home with her. She always leaves me feeling so bad about myself. I try not to show it at school or around other people in general, because I’m ashamed of it. Brandon is the only one I’ve felt okay talking to about it. And he’s even worried for me. He doesn’t like me being home because he knows that I’m treated so badly. My parents say they love me, and I know they do… but it doesn’t show in their actions. My dad is a lot reasonable with the things he does or says, but at the end of the day he always agrees with my mom and also makes me feel bad. I don’t know what I did to make my parents treat me this way. They wonder why I’m never home, but it’s because I’m miserable here. I don’t like it at all. I’m truly scared to go home because the verbal fighting and bickering that always goes on. Every. Single. Day.

Another thing that bothers me is my family’s health. Not just the way we eat and stuff like that. I mean staying clean. My mom does laundry, but leaves it on the couch for days until it’s all been worn. She rarely puts it away. I keep my laundry separate from the rest of my family because I want to actually put it away and keep it neat. My brothers get the bad habit from my parents, too. They only wash what they need for the next few days, leaving all the rest of their clothes on their bedroom floor. Then they leave all their clean laundry in the living room as well. Really? You can’t spend 10 minutes folding and putting it away? My family is always leaving a mess… Our house is embarassing. I never want to have anyone over. Whenever someone in my family cooks, they leave all the food they used out, don’t wash their dishes, and leave the mess all over the kitchen counter. If they spill something, they don’t clean it up. I’m always stuck cleaning up after everyone. I wash their dishes, throw their trash away, throw out leftover food from the fridge, and so on. My mom keeps everything. She never gets rid of old papers. She has stacks and stacks of old papers and it’s irritating. She’s extremely unorganized.

We don’t even have any healthy food. My mom is overweight, and she’s always complaining about it. It leaves her in a bad mood and leaving her body in pain. She keeps complaining that she needs to lose weight, but she never does anything about it. I’ve been trying extremely hard to eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle because I’m going to run my first half marathon in September. But it’s hard to do so when my mom is always buying unhealthy fast food, taking us out to eat, and not buying the right kind of foods to stay healthy. And then she is stressed out because we’re extremely broke. It’s hard for us to even get by for a few days, and my parents only get payed bi-weekly. My dad is a police officer, but had to take a pay cut within the past year. My mom only has a seasonal job at JcPenny.

I just don’t know what to do. There’s way more to my family than what I’m writing. It’s just way too complicating to write out, and if I did write it all out, it would be too long. (As if this isn’t long enough already). I know this might not even sound bad to you, if you’ve even read this far, but it really is frustrating. I think that moving out after graduating in June will be the best for me. It will help me live the lifestyle I need to live and have a place that it better for me to concentrate on school at. I am only going to community college for two years, so I don’t have the option of living in a dorm. However, I do know that I need to move out. I have a job now, I just got hired as a cheerleading coach, and I also work the baseball snack shack. So I’m going to be working two jobs, but it won’t be enough to live on my own. I’m going to need to start saving money and get a third job. Brandon and his family has welcomed me to live with them, and I would just have to pay rent. But I don’t want to be in their way of their own family. I know I’m part of the family, but is living with them too much? I know I’m welcome, and honestly I consider their house more of a home than my own house. I would love to live with them, but I don’t know if that is really okay for me. I still have a lot of thinking to do. The thoughts in my mind are going crazy right now.

If anyone actually took the time to hear me vent about my life, then wow… thanks? That was a lot…I know I forgot important points, but I can’t think of them at the moment. I’m just venting and ranting and I didn’t really write everything out, but I guess you get the point. I just feel lost and scared for my future. I need to move out, it’s the best thing for me, I just need to work extremely hard to get there.

**sigghhhh

Honestly, I don’t need anything special for Christmas this year. I am surrounded by SO many people who love and care for me, and to me that’s more special than anything I could recieve. I couldn’t ask for a better gift. I’m so thankful for everything that has come my way in the past year. ♥ I hope everyone has a great winter break, and remember what this time of year is really about. It’s much more than just the gifts you get under the tree, or the holiday sales at the stores. Please don’t take anything for granted, because there’s always going to be people who WISH they had your life and the love that surrounds it.

I don’t care if you make jokes about me, tease me about things, or just plain make fun of me about the things I do. It’s whatever, and I don’t care. It’s usually funny. But when you start to make fun of my ADHD and everyone is laughing at me while we’re at dinner and I’m the only one without a smile on my face, that’s when I start to get upset. You didn’t even stop. You just kept going.

Thank you so much. That made me so happy… not.

I can’t control the fact that I have ADHD… it’s just the way I am. And I hate when you legit make fun of me and laugh about it.

Well, today was good. :) Spent time with my grandma and tia. Was a small get together. Only my parents, brothers, grandma, tia, and family friend. But it was relaxing and nice to spend time with them. I’m honestly so thankful for so many things. I can’t even name them all right now, but here are a few.

My Family
Although my family fights a lot and we bud heads more than most families probably do, I still love them to death. They’re there when I really need them, and without their love and support, I would be a mess. Even though we really can’t afford it, my parents have payed for me to cheer for ten years. For those of you who don’t know the cost of cheerleading, that’s a whole hell of a lot of money. I know that they pay for it because they love me and want to support me in doing what I love to do, even if it means giving up other things. I’m so thankful they have allowed me to cheer for so long, because without cheer, I would be a different person. Anyways, I love my family to death. I would do anything for them. And I can’t forget my brothers. Love them with all my heart, even if we argue and they kill me in Call of Duty. It’s okay. haha.

My friends
Throughout high school, I have realized who my true friends are. I know the ones who will always be there for me, and I know I will always be there in return. My senior year was off to a really rocky start from cheer drama and stress. But my friends got me through it and kept me going. They’re honestly so amazing and without them I don’t know how I would have handled some of the situations I was in. It’s good to have people I can just vent to and get their honest opinion. I’m so thankful that I have such amazing friends that stick by my side.

My Living Conditions
I cannot express how thankful I am for the things I take for granted. A roof over my head, food to eat, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, a car to get around… Those seem so basic right? Well there are people out there that don’t even have those. I get so heartbroken when I see homeless people carrying all their things around. When I know they haven’t eaten in days and they aren’t sure where they will be staying for the night. It breaks my heart. I wish I could help everyone in need, I really do. I’m beyond blessed to live the way I do, and I hope other people realize how lucky they are also to just have a home, food, and clothes.

My Boyfriend
Wow, I don’t know what to say about him. There’s honestly so much. He’s my everything, and words can’t begin to express how lucky I am to have him. He isn’t only my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. He gets me like no one else does, and I get him too. It’s been almost a year now and he has been through so much with me. He listened to my drama, and offered his advice. He took care of me when I had my wisdom teeth pulled…cuddled with me, brought me popcicles, told my I look beautiful even with my face extremely swollen, he held me while I slept, brought me flowers and a balloon, cooked me food, and made me smile despite all the pain. He has treated me well and we have never had an extreme fight. He’s so respectful and I love how family oriented he is. This past year he has been my rock and the one I lean on when I need someone to be there for me. I’m not only in a relationship with him, but his family too. His parents are like my second mom and dad. They call me their fifth child, and I even took their yearly family photos with them on Tuesday. His brothers and sister are like my own siblings. I like it because I’ve always wanted a sister. :) And his brothers are easy to get along with because they are the same age as my own brothers. I’ve met his entire extended family, too. And they are all so sweet. I love going to their family parties and gatherings with them. I feel so at home. Brandon and his family have become a huge part of my life in the past year, and I’m thankful for everything they’ve done for me. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.

There’s so many more things I am thankful for. The list goes on and on. I hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving and that you all enjoy the rest of the holidays.Please remember what the holidays are really about. Not just the food, parties, gifts, etc. Remember the true meaning. God bless.

He just IM’d me on Facebook and we were talking for a little bit. I miss him. He lives in Montana. He always knows what to say to make me feel better and give me a good laugh. He gives good parent advice without making me feel weird about things. Like I can talk to him about things that I wouldn’t want to talk about with my parents. And he promises he won’t tell them. He’s pretty much great. :)

And I am just SO blessed to have such an amazing guy who is always there for me no matter what. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is honestly the one I want to marry. It will be our one year anniversary on December 30th, and I wouldn’t have wanted this past year to be any different. I love him so much.

Getting back on track with my workouts starting tomorrow.
Haven’t been going since I got sick with mono. I was gonna go last week, but I started to feel sick again. I’m really hoping I can get through the day and that I really am getting healthy again. I’ve missed so much school and it’s been stressing me out. I’ve also felt so discusting from laying in bed and sleeping so much. Lazy much? Not really, I just couldn’t get the energy to do something. And those days that I actually was feeling okay, I ended up regreting going out because I would feel extremely weak and tired and sick again that night. But now I know that I am getting healthy. I feel so much better today. If you’ve ever had mono, you know what it’s like. You don’t know how you’re gonna feel in the morning, and you really just want to be healthy again. And being in a house with 2 brothers who like to wrestle is not a good idea when you could literally die with one hit to the stomach. Anyway, tomorrow…if everything goes well at school, I will be going to the gym and getting back in shape. I miss going everyday. It was so refreshing and I felt so good.