Welcome To My Written Life...

Lately I’ve been doing my best to do what is good for me. Not for my family, not for my friends, and not for my boyfriend. I’m trying to focus on myself. Maybe you call it selfish, or maybe you understand. But it’s something I just need to do. I’ve grown up being the girl that obeys all her parents’ rules. I don’t go out and party, I’ve never done drugs or smoked a cigarette, and hell…I’ve never even had alcohol. No, it doesn’t interest me. But I grew up unassociated with those things because my parents raised me that way. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t want anything to do with that kind of lifestyle because it just isn’t me. And I’m definitely not just gonna go out and rebel against my parents’ rules and beliefs.

However, lately I’ve realized more and more that the way I’m living isn’t healthy. Yes, it’s a whole lot better than many people in the world. At least I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. I’m beyond grateful for all of it. But what I’m talking about is my family’s lifestyle.

We’ll start with my mom. She has a really bad temper, it’s a bit rediculous. She takes things way too seriously and eventually leads into taking things out of proportion. I’ll ask her a simple question, and she will start yelling at me. She’ll say I have a bad attitude and get increasingly angry with me. It honestly leaves me feeling like complete shit. She doesn’t only yell at me for anything I ask, but she cusses at me nonstop. In front of my youngest brother as well. Honestly, that is such a bad example. She gets angry at us every time we slip a cuss word, but we get it from her. She’s always doing it and it’s getting to be really annoying. It irritates me… No mother should ever speak like that to her family. She is just always rude all the time. She does it out of the blue. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to her about anything because she gets so offensive about everything, or she will be completely negative. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I’m at home with her. She always leaves me feeling so bad about myself. I try not to show it at school or around other people in general, because I’m ashamed of it. Brandon is the only one I’ve felt okay talking to about it. And he’s even worried for me. He doesn’t like me being home because he knows that I’m treated so badly. My parents say they love me, and I know they do… but it doesn’t show in their actions. My dad is a lot reasonable with the things he does or says, but at the end of the day he always agrees with my mom and also makes me feel bad. I don’t know what I did to make my parents treat me this way. They wonder why I’m never home, but it’s because I’m miserable here. I don’t like it at all. I’m truly scared to go home because the verbal fighting and bickering that always goes on. Every. Single. Day.

Another thing that bothers me is my family’s health. Not just the way we eat and stuff like that. I mean staying clean. My mom does laundry, but leaves it on the couch for days until it’s all been worn. She rarely puts it away. I keep my laundry separate from the rest of my family because I want to actually put it away and keep it neat. My brothers get the bad habit from my parents, too. They only wash what they need for the next few days, leaving all the rest of their clothes on their bedroom floor. Then they leave all their clean laundry in the living room as well. Really? You can’t spend 10 minutes folding and putting it away? My family is always leaving a mess… Our house is embarassing. I never want to have anyone over. Whenever someone in my family cooks, they leave all the food they used out, don’t wash their dishes, and leave the mess all over the kitchen counter. If they spill something, they don’t clean it up. I’m always stuck cleaning up after everyone. I wash their dishes, throw their trash away, throw out leftover food from the fridge, and so on. My mom keeps everything. She never gets rid of old papers. She has stacks and stacks of old papers and it’s irritating. She’s extremely unorganized.

We don’t even have any healthy food. My mom is overweight, and she’s always complaining about it. It leaves her in a bad mood and leaving her body in pain. She keeps complaining that she needs to lose weight, but she never does anything about it. I’ve been trying extremely hard to eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle because I’m going to run my first half marathon in September. But it’s hard to do so when my mom is always buying unhealthy fast food, taking us out to eat, and not buying the right kind of foods to stay healthy. And then she is stressed out because we’re extremely broke. It’s hard for us to even get by for a few days, and my parents only get payed bi-weekly. My dad is a police officer, but had to take a pay cut within the past year. My mom only has a seasonal job at JcPenny.

I just don’t know what to do. There’s way more to my family than what I’m writing. It’s just way too complicating to write out, and if I did write it all out, it would be too long. (As if this isn’t long enough already). I know this might not even sound bad to you, if you’ve even read this far, but it really is frustrating. I think that moving out after graduating in June will be the best for me. It will help me live the lifestyle I need to live and have a place that it better for me to concentrate on school at. I am only going to community college for two years, so I don’t have the option of living in a dorm. However, I do know that I need to move out. I have a job now, I just got hired as a cheerleading coach, and I also work the baseball snack shack. So I’m going to be working two jobs, but it won’t be enough to live on my own. I’m going to need to start saving money and get a third job. Brandon and his family has welcomed me to live with them, and I would just have to pay rent. But I don’t want to be in their way of their own family. I know I’m part of the family, but is living with them too much? I know I’m welcome, and honestly I consider their house more of a home than my own house. I would love to live with them, but I don’t know if that is really okay for me. I still have a lot of thinking to do. The thoughts in my mind are going crazy right now.

If anyone actually took the time to hear me vent about my life, then wow… thanks? That was a lot…I know I forgot important points, but I can’t think of them at the moment. I’m just venting and ranting and I didn’t really write everything out, but I guess you get the point. I just feel lost and scared for my future. I need to move out, it’s the best thing for me, I just need to work extremely hard to get there.

**sigghhhh

I don’t care if you make jokes about me, tease me about things, or just plain make fun of me about the things I do. It’s whatever, and I don’t care. It’s usually funny. But when you start to make fun of my ADHD and everyone is laughing at me while we’re at dinner and I’m the only one without a smile on my face, that’s when I start to get upset. You didn’t even stop. You just kept going.

Thank you so much. That made me so happy… not.

I can’t control the fact that I have ADHD… it’s just the way I am. And I hate when you legit make fun of me and laugh about it.